Artie's Rules
by Shorty McGee
Summary: People keep doing stupid stuff and this is Artie's way of setting them straight. Please Read and Review
1. Chapter 1

This came to mind while I was reading a Eureka fanfic. I hope you all like this. I love these types of fanfic's. I don't own Warehouse 13, but I wouldn't turn the Warehouse, or Artie Nielsen, down.

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Artie took of his glasses and rested his hand in his hands. Claudia used Volta's lab coat just because she wanted to change a light bulb that was flickering and got stuck near the ceiling. The whole episode caused havoc in the Warehouse. Artie couldn't count the times that he had told her not to touch whatever artifact that hit her fancy. He took a piece of paper and a pen. He wrote something down and taped it to the door leading into his office.

"Just because you can use it, doesn't mean you should.

----

Pete came down the stairs leading to Artie's office. He was supposed to be helping with inventory today. He hated inventory. He was about to open the door to the optical scanner, when he saw a paper on the door and read. The first one was obviously meant for Claudia, but the second was in Myka's precise handwriting.

"If you don't know what it can do, don't touch it.

Pete figured she meant Lewis Carrol's mirror. He had apologized for that. He pulled a pen out his pocket and added to the list.

----

Artie came back to the Warehouse with supplies for making cookies. He hoped that Pete hadn't gone around touching things. He noticed Myka's addition to the list and smiled. He hated it when Pete played with the artifacts. Then he noticed Pete's addition to the list and wondered if the list had been such a good idea.

"Sometimes a little playtime is good."

----

Claudia came in. She was still smarting over the whole thing with Volta's lab coat. Artie had her write over and over, "I will not destroy Artie or the Warehouse," over and over again. Her hand was cramping by the time Artie was satisfied. She saw the paper on the door, and read it. Claudia rolled her eyes. She had apologized over and over again for that, so she had to add to the list.

"People make mistakes, that is part of being human."

----

Artie was coming back in from throwing the football. As he walked down the stairs, he noticed that someone added to the list. He snorted as he read. He pulled a pen out of his pocket and added to the list.

"Part of making mistakes is learning from them. Some of you might want to try that."

----

Leena came down the steps. It had been a few days since she had made it out to the Warehouse. When she go to the door, she noticed the list. She smiled as she read. Leena knew that Artie had a hard time communicating and Artie had apparently found a way to express himself. Also apparent that it had been hijacked by the others. Leena reached into her purse and pulled out a pen to add to the list.

"Keeping secrets is bad. It leads to mistrust and hurt feelings."

----

Mrs. Frederic came down the stairs. She had been worried about Artie and wanted to check on things in the Warehouse. She had known Artie for years, in fact she was the person who brought Artie into the Warehouse program. She was about to open the door when she noticed the paper on the door. A smile came across her face. When she was done, she pulled a pen out of her pocket and added to the list.

"Get all of the facts before you accuse someone of something. You rarely know why they did what they did. Even if what they did was illegal."

----

Myka came in. She was feeling a little stressed out, and had even bought an ice cream cone, even though she didn't generally eat sugar. She walked through the first door and walked down the stairs. She jerked the door over the optical scanner open and was about to scan her eye to open the door when she noticed the addition to the list. She knew that Mrs. Frederic was talking to her, but the woman had the tact not to put Myka's name to the comment. It had taken Myka quite a while to trust Artie again, but it had happened. Myka pulled her pen out and added something else to the list.

"Always give all of the facts, even the embarrassing stuff. Not telling someone something can get them killed."

----

Artie opened the door. He wondered if anything had been added to the list. He knew that Leena and Mrs. Frederic had been there. He took a moment to read the new additions. He appreciated that Leena and Mrs. Frederic were willing to stand up for him, although he didn't understand why. He didn't always agree that he was worthy of their friendship, but he liked them. He had a hard time making new friends. He had a hard time letting people in. Artie took a moment to add something else to the list before heading back in.

"Always let your friends know that you care, even if they don't always seem to deserve it."

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If anyone has any ideas, I will be happy to listen. I hope you enjoyed the first chapter.


	2. Chapter 2

**Just a note: I've noticed on several others of my stories that people are putting them on their favorite list without actually telling me why they like them (aka reviewing). Don't get me wrong, it means a ton to me that you like my stories enough to add them to your favorites, but please, make my day (or week) in less than thirty seconds by, after you're done reading, clicking that little button on the bottom in the middle of the page that says review. To those who do review, you rock! Enough said. **

**Warehouse 13 is a wonderful show that I love. I don't own the show, but wouldn't turn the Warehouse or Artie Nielsen.**

**-----**

Claudia walked down the stairs. She wasn't looking forward to work. Artie had said the day before that he would have a list of chores waiting for her. She took a moment to add something to the list before she read the list of rules that had been growing. After she read what Artie had written, she could barely contain herself. She scanned her eye, threw the door open and gave Artie a hug.

----

Myka came down the stairs. She was wet, but looking to get even. Pete had hit her with a water balloon. She stopped to read the list. Everyone read before heading in, even Mrs. Frederics. Myka shook her head at Claudia's addition to the list. She pulled out a pen and made her own addition. She pulled open the scanner, scanned her eye and headed in.

"Chalkboards are evil and should be banned."

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Pete came in. He was late, very late in fact. He almost didn't read the list before he headed in, but he noticed that there were several new additions to the list. He didn't blame Claudia for her addition. He had seen what she had gone through, but he was going to have to do something about Myka's. He didn't realize that Myka had a sense of humor, or that she might want revenge.

"People who prank others should watch their back!"

----

Artie opened the door heading out into the Warehouse and a sheet of water poured over him. He stood there for a minute before stepping back into his office. He was upset and wet. Artie went into his room in the back and got a towel. After he changed and dried off, the grabbed a pen and opened the door heading out.

"If you must prank someone, make sure you get the person you are after."

----

Mrs. Frederic pulled up outside and got out of her car. She walked up to the outer door, opened the door and went in. After she got to the door into Artie's office, she read the list. She hoped that the prank war was over. She realized it wasn't over when she opened the door. When the water stopped, she had her bodyguard add a new rule to the list

"The prank war will end immediately!"

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Pete stomped out of Artie's office and slammed the door. Mrs. Frederic had put a stop to the prank war. She hadn't say how she figured out how she knew it had been going on, but she had looked wet. He wondered who had set it. Pete shivered and hoped it wasn't one of his. He thought she was creepy before, and seeing her angry on the stairs was even worse. He turned and added something to the list.

"Leave Mrs. Frederic out of anything that could make her mad!"

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Artie hurried down the steps. He was supposed to be on a diet, but was tired of salad, and he was tired of being hungry. He wanted cookies. He shifted the bag of goodies to the other hip and took a moment to read the list to see what the tone of the others were. He smiled at Pete's addition. He was about to go in, when he decided to make an addition of his own.

"Make sure that you don't starve the guy in charge."

----

Leena came in. She didn't come over very often, unless Artie was having a stressful day. She came down the stairs and read the list. She pursed her lips and shook her head. Leena reached into her purse and pulled out her pen.

"If you don't want to be on a diet, then don't mention that you want to lose weight."

**----**

Claudia came into Artie's office carefully. She looked around, and not seeing anyone, walked on tip toe over to Artie's desk and started picking the lock on one of the drawers. She was so intent on getting in the drawer that she didn't hear or see Artie coming up behind her. She realized that he was there when he grabbed her by the shoulders. She jumped, screamed and ran back into the Warehouse. Artie took a moment to step out the door and add something else to the list on the door.

"Don't steal goodies from the boss. He knows who sign's your paychecks."

----

Claudia watched from the area right outside Artie's office. She watched as he added to the list and then unlock a drawer and take a bag out. She ducked under the table as he came out. She waited until he made it down the stairs and disappeared from sight. She stepped out from under the table and hurried into the office. She called up the display of the Warehouse. She had intended to track Artie to find where he was going to hide his junk food, but when she called up the schematic, Artie wasn't on it. Claudia stomped over to the door and jerked it open. She pulled out a pen and added to the list.

"Leave the Warehouse computers alone. If something happens, and others can't find you..."

----

Myka hurried up to the door. She was about to scan her eye and go in when she saw that their was new additions to the list. She noticed that Artie, Claudia and Leena had added to the list. Myka smiled at Artie's addition. She patted a small bag in her pocket, pulled out her pen out and added to the list.

"Always keep the boss happy."

----

Artie bit happily into the doughnut that Myka had brought him. It was his favorite kind, raised with chocolate glaze and sprinkles. He could hear someone coming down the stairs, so he pushed the rest of the doughnut into his mouth and turned back to his work. Just as he turned around, Leena came in the door. She looked at him suspiciously.

"What are you eating?

Artie shook his head at her.

She looked into the garbage can next to Artie's desk. It was a bag from the local bakery. She picked it up and sniffed it. She looked at him.

"Artie, I thought you wanted to lose weight?"

Artie smiled at her. He knew that she couldn't get the doughnut from him.

"You know you look like a chipmunk."

Artie chewed and swallowed quickly and looked at Leena. "Did you need something, Leena?"

She shook her head. "Yes, when are you going to fix my oven?"

Artie grimaced. "I can do that tomorrow."

"Thank you." Leena turned and headed out. She stopped on her way out and pulled out a pen.

"If we keep feeding the boss junk, the boss will die sooner."

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Artie checked the list just after Leena left. He saw what she had written and added his own thought.

"If the boss dies after eating junk food, then at least the boss will die happy."

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Thank you for reading. Click the little button down there that says review please!


	3. Chapter 3

Thank you for all of the lovely reviews. They brought a smile to my tired face.

I have a quote in here. A tour of the Warehouse to anyone who can tell me what the quote is and where I got it from.

Once again, I don't own Warehouse 13, but would love to.

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Claudia moved as quietly through the Warehouse as she could. She wanted to get Artie's bag of goodies. She was following Artie, but she quickly realized that he went inside the Dark Vault. After the one experience she had in there, she was unwilling to go back, not for a bag of junk food anyway.

"Darn you Artie! Darn you all to heck!" she said shaking her fist the the closed door.

She turned and left, for now she was beaten. When Claudia reached the office, she opened the door to leave. She was there much later than she thought she would be. After she stepped out and closed the door, she noticed an addition to the list in Artie's handwriting. After reading it, she threw a salute in Artie's direction and left.

"Never stand between the boss and his food. You will never win."

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Pete scanned his eye and walked into Artie's office. It had been days since Mrs. Frederic's last visit and Pete was hoping that he could prank Myka without being caught. He left his jacket on the coat stand in the corner, and headed for the door. When the door opened a sheet of water poured out over Pete. He stood their for a minute, and wiped his face off. He was still standing there when Myka came in, smiling. She walked over to stand next to him.

"Pete, you look a little wet. Are you all right?" She tried to look innocent, but Pete knew she was the one to set the trap.

"Yeah, I am fine." He shook off the water, like a dog. Myka backed away from the water being flung by Pete and headed into the Warehouse. Pete took a moment to step out the door and add something to the list.

"Don't start something that you can't finish."

----

Claudia stopped Myka. She wanted to talk to her about the newest addition to the list. She had seen that it was in Myka's hand writing and wanted to know what prompted it.

"Hey Myka. What did Pete do to get the water treatment?"

Myka smiled at the redhead. "He was planning to do the same to me. I just beat him to it."

"You do remember what Mrs. F said about pranking?" Claudia looked worried.

"I remember," Myka responded. "But she hasn't been here in a while, and..."

"And you thought you would risk your life to prank Pete."

"If she catches me..."

Claudia cut her off. "She will fire you, or worse. You might become her personal secretary."

Myka turned white. "I hadn't considered that."

"I can tell that." Claudia smirked. "What are you going to do now?"

Myka began to chew on her lip. "I don't know. I need to talk to Pete." She stood opened the door. A sheet of water covered her. When the water stopped, Myka turned, smiled at Claudia, and hurried out. As she hurried out the door, she noticed a new addition to the list.

"Don't mess with the master!"

----

Artie came in whistling. He was having a good day. He hurried down the stairs, cookie in hand. He had found a type of cookie that Leena wouldn't give him a hard time over and that he really liked. Artie walked up to the door to his office and scanned his eye. He pulled the door open and sticky string came shooting out of several different directions. It quickly covered him with sticky goo. He stood there for a minute.

"Claudia!"

What the redhead in question didn't show up, Artie went through the list of people that were supposed to be in the Warehouse. After a few minutes, Pete showed up.

"Whoa. What happened to you?"

"Guess."

Pete swallowed and grabbed a pair of gloves. He started pulling the goo off Artie, who glared at him the whole time he worked. It took forever before Pete got enough off for Artie to be able to move. Artie looked at the cookie that was in his hand. It was covered with goo. Artie threw it away with a groan. He grabbed Pete by the back of the shirt and shoved him out the door. He took a moment to add a thought to the list.

"Never use an artifact to prank someone!"

----

Right after Artie shut the door, Pete looked at the new addition to the list. Now that he thought about it, maybe using the sticky string wasn't such a great idea. He grabbed the pencil that Claudia had hung up next to the list.

"Think before you prank. You never know who might get caught in the cross fire."

----

Myka came in. She noticed the pile of sticky string and shuddered. She remembered what it was like to be caught up in that stuff. She pulled a bag out of her purse. It was a taco. She knew that Artie felt bad about keeping secrets from them, and she wanted to let him know that she wasn't still mad at him. She looked around for him, but didn't see him. Myka picked up the Warehouse PA system.

"I have something for you." She shook the bag so that he could hear the bag rustling. It only took a few minutes for him to show up. She handed him the bag. He opened it and unwrapped the taco quickly. He took a big bite and smiled. Artie ate it quickly and stuffed the wrapper in the bag.

"Thanks Myka. How are you doing?"

Myka smiled. "I am doing good. Do you want to talk about anything?"

Artie looked at the pile of sticky string and, looking back at Myka, smiled. "I got caught in a prank." Then his face turned stern. "I thought Mrs. Frederic told you two to stop the pranking. Why is it still going on?"

Myka looked embarrassed. "Sorry, I didn't mean for it to continue. I will call for a truce with Pete."

"And?" prompted Artie.

"We will clean up the mess we made."

Artie clapped her on the shoulder. "Thanks." He turned and headed back into the Warehouse.

Myka headed out. On her way out, Myka added something to the list.

"Don't make a mess that you aren't willing to clean up."

----

Leena came in. She was there to check on Artie. She had over seen the truce between Myka and Pete and she wanted to talk to Artie about it. When Myka came in and talked to Pete about a truce, Pete seemed to know what was going on, but neither one said what had brought this whole thing on. It took her a few minutes to find Artie in the Warehouse. She found him doing inventory near the old B&B.

"Artie! Got a minute?"

Artie looked up at her. "Did you need something?"

"Two things."

Artie pushed his glasses up on top of his head. "Ok. What are they?"

"One, you still haven't fixed my oven."

Artie's head dropped. "Sorry, I will head right over. And the other thing?"

Leena folded her arms. "What prompted the truce between Pete and Myka?"

Artie looked back at what he had been doing. "What makes you so certain that I know what happened?"

Leena shifted her weight and glared at him.

Artie sighed. "Someone, I think it was Pete, set a prank using sticky string." He set the scanner down and looked at Leena. "And I was on the receiving end."

Leena smiled. "That must have been frustrating."

Artie shook his head, and smiled."

Leena patted him on the shoulder, and headed out. She pulled her pen out and added to the list.

"No one wins in a war."

----

I thought this was a good place to end. Have you figured out the quote? Thank you for reading. Please review!


	4. Chapter 4

Thank you for all of the lovely reviews! You guys rock! I don't Warehouse 13, but I would love to.

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Artie came up from the bowels of the Warehouse and he was mad. He had headed down to get some of his junk food and it was gone. He slammed the door of his office. Claudia looked up startled. She had never seen him this mad, unless you count when he had dealt with McPherson. He stood with his hands on his desk for a minute before he stomped up to her.

"Did you take my food?"

Claudia took a step back and raised her hands in a surrender position. "No way. I did follow you to find out where you put so that I could, but I am not willing to go into the Dark Vault for something like that."

Artie glared at her for a minute before heading back to his desk where he grabbed a pen and jerked the door heading to the surface open. He took a moment to write on the list before heading back into the bowels of the Warehouse, mourning his food. After Artie was out of sight, Claudia snuck over to look at the latest addition to the list.

"Anyone caught stealing will be locked in the Dark Vault."

----

Pete and Myka arrived at the same time. Myka was surprised. He was normally a little late. They walked in the front door and headed down the stairs. When they got to the inner door, Pete opened the door to the scanner while Myka read the list. Before Pete got the door opened, Myka tapped him on the shoulder. He looked at the list and he shuddered. They both well remembered the one time they were in their and neither one wanted to go back inside. Then Pete and Myka each pulled a small bag out. Myka smiled and Pete opened the door to go in. Just before Pete went in, he added something to the list.

"Bribes can get you someplace. Especially if is food for the boss."

----

Leena opened the door into Artie's office. She wanted to talk to him about his diet. He had put on weight, and Leena was concerned about it. With as long as he had been on a diet, he should have dropped some weight. It was dark inside. She waited a few minutes for her eyes to adjust to the dim light. She saw what appeared to be a person at Artie's desk, unmoving. She ran to the light switch and turned the lights on. Artie was sitting at his desk, asleep. His desk was covered with taco wrappers. She walked over to him and hit him on the shoulder, waking him. He sat blinking at her for a minute before he realized who she was. She shook her head at him and stalked out. Artie sat there for a few minutes processing what had happened. When he felt up to it, Artie stood, and walked to the door. He thought for a moment and added to the list.

"If you eat something you are not supposed to have, you must remember to hide the evidence!"

----

Mrs. Frederic stepped into Artie's office. The room was empty. She walked over to a cupboard in the corner and opened it. She pulled a bag out, then smiled. She headed out the door, but took a moment to add to the list.

"The Dark Vault is not a cupboard for food."

----

Artie walked in. He had seen the addition Mrs. Frederic had made to the list and was furious. How dare she touch what was not hers, and to go into the Dark Vault. What was she doing in there anyway? It wasn't safe to go inside, and she knew it. Artie wondered how she knew was inside the Dark Vault anyway. He resolved to find out. He headed back into his office and hurried to the door. He opened the door and added to the list.

"The Dark Vault IS the perfect place to put food, no one will go in, except for busybodies!"

----

Pete and Myka were headed in. As they walk down the stairs, they saw Claudia standing, blocking the door, her mouth open. Pete tapped her on the shoulder; he was in a hurry to get going. They had inventory to do and he didn't want to be working all day. When she didn't answer, he looked in the direction she was looking in. It was the list. As Pete read over her shoulder, he wondered if Artie had a death wish. He took a moment to open the door and push Claudia and Myka through before adding to the list.

"Never annoy the truly scary people. You never know what they will do."

----

After Pete went down into the Warehouse to get started, Myka stepped through the door and read what, first what Artie wrote, then Pete. Artie did have a point. She didn't want to ever go into the Dark Vault, ever again. She also agreed with Pete, to a point. She didn't think Mrs. Frederic was scary, but maybe intimidating. Myka took a moment to add to the list.

"Some people aren't actually scary. They are just intimidating!"

----

Myka watched as Claudia whispered something to Pete. All Myka knew was that Pete took off like a shot. She listened as Pete ran up the steps into Artie's office, a few minutes later Pete came back down whistling. Myka wondered what had set him off, and with the way Claudia was grinning, Myka thought she knew what was going on. She smiled at Claudia and Pete.

"I am going to get something to eat. Do either of you want anything?"

Pete wasn't even looking at her, but said no. Claudia looked down from the cherry picker and said the same. Myka walked off. She was trying so hard to not run; she didn't want them to know where she was going. When she reached Artie's office, she walked slowly up the stairs and then ran across the office and pulled open the door. She read what Pete added, then added her own.

"Scary is as scary does."

----

Leena walked in. She was beginning to wonder about some of the people who worked in the Warehouse. They had been acting weird since the list of rules had been started. She had read the list and got even more worried. Some of the rules that had been posted were a little unusual for the people posting them, although, this was a good way to work out their aggression. Pete's was like him, but Myka's was a little unusual.

"Chicken tastes good."

Leena took a moment to add her own before heading in.

"Bad behavior is generally only modeled by children. Stop acting like them."

----

Claudia was coming back in from throwing the football when she noticed what Leena wrote. She was a little annoyed at her. Claudia took a moment to add to the list before heading into the Warehouse herself.

"Tell the adults to teach us bad children manners."

----

Ok. Let me know what you thing. FYI, I am running out of ideas. If you have any, let me know.

"Darn you Artie! Darn you all to heck." BTW, the quote was a Simpson's parody of Planet of the Apes. If I remember my quotes correctly.


	5. Chapter 5

Thank you for all of the lovely reviews. They made my day! I don't own Warehouse 13, but I wouldn't turn it down.

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Artie got out of bed and took a shower. He pulled his robe around himself and headed over to his dresser. He opened the drawer and looked in. All of his clothing was gone and instead he saw what had to be someone else's clothing. They were different colors, and his brown clothing was gone. He started ripping the clothes out of the drawer. He hoped that it was all a bad dream and that his clothes were underneath. Artie pulled the drawer out and dumped it out on the floor. He could hear someone coming in, so he grabbed what was at hand and got dressed quickly. He ducked into his office as Pete and Myka came in, they both stopped suddenly, staring. It took him a moment to figure out what they were staring at. It was him. He looked at what he was wearing. It was a red Hawaiian shirt and Levi's. Artie flapped his arms at Myka and Pete and told them to get going on the inventory. He was upset by the whole thing. Artie resolved to get revenge. He grabbed a pen off of his desk and added to the list.

"Earth tones WILL always be in style!"

----

Claudia groggily walked down the hall and headed into the bathroom. She undressed and climbed into the shower. Claudia turned the water on and showered quickly. When she was done, she headed down to breakfast. When she walked into the the breakfast nook, everyone turned and stared at her.

"What? Do I have something in my teeth? I know I didn't brush my teeth, but..." Claudia's voice trailed off as she caught sight of herself in the mirror that hung in the room. She was dyed blue, hair skin and everything.

"Who did this?"

Pete looked away. Claudia walked over and grabbed him by the shoulders.

"What happened? Who did this?" Her eyes looked wild. Pete thought was going to rip him apart. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

"Artie was here for a minute." he finally admitted, "He went upstairs and came down a little later, whistling."

Claudia ran out the door and jumped into her car. She was furious. How could Artie do this to her? When she pulled up outside the Warehouse, she jumped out of her car and ran in. She stopped at the door leading into Artie's office. She scanned her eye, but the door didn't open. She kicked the door and after a moment, looked at the list. She knew who had done this, Artie had done this. She wanted revenge, and she wanted it badly. She knew what had to be done, Claudia just didn't know how to do it. Claudia added to the list.

"Never upset a redhead. It could cause trouble."

----

Pete and Myka entered the Warehouse cautiously. They didn't know what was going on, and wanted to be prepared. With the Warehouse it could be anything. They didn't see Claudia or Artie anywhere. Both of their cars were outside. Myka took a moment and checked the panel to see if they were inside the vast Warehouse. Myka sighed. They were both inside. Myka waved at Pete. He came over and she showed him where they were. They weren't taking the chance that there was more to it. With guns pulled, they walked down the stairs and walked towards where they were. As they round the corner, they saw that Claudia was tied to a chair and Artie was checking a shelf nearby. They put their guns away as they walked up to them.

"Artie," Pete asked, "What is going on?"

Artie looked up at them and pushed his glasses up on his nose.

"Oh, nothing. Just doing some inventory. Why?"

He looked back at what he had been doing. Pete looked at Myka, who shrugged.

"What happened with Claudia?"

Artie looked thoughtful for a minute. It seemed to return to him suddenly.

"Oh yeah that. She thought she could prank me. It was a silly childish prank. Wasn't it Claudia?"

The redhead glared at Artie over the gag. She didn't look happy.

Myka moved to untie Claudia. "What is with the gag, Artie?"

Artie shrugged. "She wouldn't stop talking. I had to do something."

Claudia jumped to her feet the moment she was untied and left. She didn't look happy. Pete and Myka stayed behind to help Artie. When they left, they noticed the addition to the list.

"Never under estimate the boss."

----

Mrs. Frederic walked in. She had been hearing rumors that the pranks hadn't stopped and wanted to check it out for herself. She stood in Artie's office for a moment before heading into the Warehouse. She had gotten only one or two steps out of the office when she was hit full in the face by several pies. Pete and Myka stopped and stared at each other before running into the bowels of the Warehouse. Mrs. Frederic took a moment to wipe the pie from her face. She decided that something needed to be done. They needed to be punished, badly. She took a moment to add to the list before heading out to pick a punishment for them.

"Remember that you never know where trouble comes from, not just redheads."

----

Pete and Myka stood on the cherry picker. It was outside and they were painting the Warehouse in the heat of a South Dakota day. Mrs. Frederic was making them paint the outside of the Warehouse, or at least as much as they could reach. Claudia wiped the sweat from her forehead and set the can of paint down. Leena walked up to them with a tray of glasses filled with cold water. Artie walked up from behind her, a can of paint in hand. Artie took a glass, drank it quickly and went back to work. They all decided on their own that the pranking must stop. It just wasn't worth it. It was dark before they stopped for the night. They would be back at it in the morning. Artie took a moment to add to the list.

"Always fear the true boss. She is always watching."

----

Leena headed into the Warehouse. She knew that she needed to make sure the painters had what they needed. They would be at it for sometime. She checked the list. It had several additions. Leena smiled and added her own thought.

"Think before you leap, or at least before you speak."

----

Myka rubbed her neck. She thought they would never get done. After a couple of days, Mrs. Frederic took pity on them and told them they didn't have to finish painting. In the desire to get the work done, little things like sunblock or hats had been forgotten. Artie and Claudia were sun burnt and resembled lobsters. They didn't get out as much, they looked like they were in pain. Myka and Pete felt bad for them and had helped them apply Aloe Vera to the burned areas. They both moved slowly. Myka headed to the door with a pen in hand, but after she opened the door, she realized that she wasn't the only one to have the same idea. Artie had added to the list.

"If you don't spend a lot of time outside, sunblock is a must!"

----

I hope you all like. I will try to get another chapter out soon. Thank you all!


	6. Chapter 6

Thank you for all of the lovely reviews and a special thank you to Lady NRA and katy23 for their wonderful ideas! I took an idea from Heavensdarkrosechild and her wonderful fanfic "Pete!" because katy23 asked for ferret time.

Please remember that I don't own Warehouse 13 or Artie, but I wouldn't turn either one down if SyFy offered them.

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Myka sighed as she entered the Warehouse. Artie and Claudia had called a truce. Myka checked the list and noticed that nothing new had been added. Although Myka was surprised, she was also pleased. That usually meant that she was the first one in. She scanned her eye and went in. What she missed was Pete the Ferret scooting in the door past her. Myka hung her coat in the coat tree in the corner, grabbed the scanner and headed out into the Warehouse. Unfortunately, Myka didn't notice that the door didn't close. The door didn't open until Myka walked into the Warehouse proper. It was MacPherson! He took a tentative step inside. When he didn't see anyone, walked in and shut the door. He pulled out a Tesla and headed for the door leading into the bowels of the Warehouse. What he failed to notice was the rotund ferret sitting on the floor eating cookies. He tripped over the animal and hit a table covered with Claudia's latest project. The table broke under his weight and everything came crashing down, knocking MacPherson unconscious. Myka came crashing through the door moments after, and found MacPherson on the floor. Myka took a moment to check to see if he was still alive. Myka swore under her breath when she found that he was. She grabbed the Farnsworth and some rope. She tied up MacPherson and quickly searched his pockets. Myka removed a number of artifacts from his pockets before she called for Artie. She didn't tell him why, just that he was needed. When he came in, Myka thought he would have a heart attack and die. Artie sat down in his chair and took a moment.

"Do you know what happened?"

Myka was about to say that she had no idea when she saw cookie remains on the floor. She took a moment to reach under the desk and pull out her ferret. Pete looked annoyed. He had no only not been able to finish his cookie, but he had been stepped on by a horrible scary man. Myka kissed Pete on the top of his head and skipped to the door, while MacPherson was carted away to prison.

"Ferrets rock!"

----

Pete walked into Artie's office. He had been working hard at trying to finish the inventory, but Pete was convinced that some of the artifacts were getting together and making baby artifacts. He hadn't been paying attention when he walked in and Claudia walked into him. He could tell that she was saying something, but it took a moment to figure out what that was.

"WWAD? WWAD?"

She was pacing and getting more frantic by the minute. Pete grabbed her by the arm.

"What's wrong?"

She pointed at a spear gun that had been hanging over the door leading into the Warehouse. It was sitting on a chair and had been discharged. The spear was now poking out of Artie's computer monitor. The monitor was blackened and pieces were across the desk. Pete walked around to the other side and whistled.

"You are in so much trouble!"

"Do you think he will notice?"

Pete looked back. "I don't know, but we are about to find out."

Artie walked in and set his bag in a nearby table. He was whistling. He headed for the door heading when all of a sudden the whistling stopped. Claudia and Pete watched as he turned and stared at his computer for a moment before he spoke.

"What happened to my computer?" He sounded very calm. Pete swallowed. He wondered what Artie was going to do. "What happened to my computer?" He asked again.

Claudia backed up and looked at Pete, who looked away. Claudia punched him on the shoulder. Pete grabbed his shoulder.

"Ow! What was that for?"

She punched him again. "For hanging me out to dry!"

Artie cleared his throat. "Well?" He folded his arms. "Who is responsible for this?"

Pete made a sound and Claudia looked down. Pete had his arms folded, but was still pointing at her. Claudia hit Pete again.

"You had better run before I do something you WILL regret!"

Pete saw the angry look in Claudia's eyes and slowly left the room leaving her alone with Artie.

"Well," he repeated. "Is this your work?"

Claudia whimpered quietly and nodded. Artie shrugged and pulled the spear out. Claudia looked up at him.

"Well, aren't you going to punish me?"

"I am, but I am going to wait. I think the wait will be the hard part for you." He set the computer on a table and began to take it apart. Artie looked back up.

"Run along annoying redhead child, unless…" Artie trailed off.

"Unless what?" Claudia mentally kicked herself for asking.

Artie smiled and pushed his glasses up on his nose. "Unless you want to get your punishment doubled. You don't want that, do you?"

Claudia almost ran out the door. She slammed it behind her and ran up the stairs. Artie waited until all was quiet before heading out the door himself. It wasn't to leave, but to add to the list.

"Don't touch, use or even think around some artifacts if you don't know what triggers them!"

----

Pete was working on inventory in the Warehouse when Myka came in. Pete was surprised to see that he was the first one in. That never happened! Myka walked past Pete and was about to turn the corner when Pete noticed something extra inside Myka's shirt. He was trying to figure out how to ask his partner what was going on with her shirt when the ferret's head poked out and looked around. That is when Pete decided that he just didn't need to know some things. At the end of the day, Pete headed out, but stopped to add to the list.

"Some questions should never be asked."

----

Claudia was in a pickle. Even though Artie had specifically told her not to touch the yoyo, she did and was bouncing up to the ceiling of the Warehouse. She was trying to think of what to do when something came to mind. Artie had told her a story about when "a friend" had touched the yoyo. She did exactly what Artie said had been done in the story, and on the next bounce down, she grabbed the shelf, and it worked. Claudia dropped to the floor and kissed it, then spit. Claudia didn't think the floor had been mopped in a while. She decided that she needed to leave before she didn't do something even dumber. Just before she ran out the door to the steps, Claudia added to the list.

"If you can't figure it out for yourself and you're really, really desperate, think W.W.A.D."

----

I hope all enjoy. I hope to continue this fic for a while. Please take a moment and review!

All ideas for rules will be considered!


	7. Chapter 7

Thank you for all of the lovely reviews! Please continue to feed my muse! Again, I don't own Warehouse 13, The actual Warehouse, or anyone involved.

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Artie was glaring at Claudia, who was backing away from him when Myka came in. Before Myka had a chance to close the door, Claudia ran past her and out the door. Myka's eyes widened as she stared at Artie. When Artie finally looked at her, he looked away quickly.

"What happened?"

Artie ignored Myka, and continued typing. Myka didn't like to be ignored. She grabbed an artifact and began to play with it, or at least appear to play with it. The moment Artie saw that she had an artifact off the shelf of his office, jumped to his feet. He attempted to take it from her, but she held it out of his reach.

"Give it back!" Artie looked upset. Myka considered just giving it to him.

"What did you and Claudia argue about?"

Artie took a step back and seemed to consider talking. Instead, he took a couple of steps closer. She hoped that he wouldn't resort to jumping to try and get it. He didn't. Instead he leaned towards her, like he was going to kiss her. Myka tried to take a step back and stumbled. As she fell, Artie grabbed the artifact and moved away from her. He tucked the artifact under his arm and disappeared into the Warehouse, grinning. Myka decided to retreat outside. She took a moment to add to the list before leaving.

"Don't underestimate the boss. He is tricky!"

----

Pete opened the door. It was dark inside. He slipped inside and set a duffel bag down next to Artie's desk. He opened it up and took out a bag and a small wooden box. He had been good far too long and needed a release. He opened the box and checked the contents. He set the box, open, in Artie's desk drawer. Pete took the bag inside the archives and set it behind the door. He stepped out and pulled a cushion on Artie's chair. He attached a small white object on the door. He smiled to himself, grabbed the duffel bag and left.

After a few minutes, Artie came in, whistling. He sat at his desk. A long drawn out farting sound was heard. Artie looked around, embarrassed. He hoped he was the only one there. It took him a moment to realize that it hadn't been him. He checked the seat and found the cushion. He stood, picked it up and opened the drawer to put it in. He jumped and moved away from the desk as a tarantula crawled out of it. He pulled the door to the archive room open. He wanted a box to put the spider in. The bag over the door was pulled open and covered him with glitter. He took a step back and hurried over to the door leading into the Warehouse. An ear splitting sound caused Artie to slam the door. He shook his head a few times to clear it. It took Artie a few minutes to catch the spider, get rid of the alarm on the door, and forever to clean up the glitter. He was tired and annoyed, he also wasn't sure that he had gotten all of the glitter. He opened the door and added to the list.

"Pranking the boss is a bad idea. The boss will want, and get, revenge!"

----

Pete the Ferret headed down the stairs. He was on a cookie hunt. He knew Pete had some in his car, so he waited for Pete to leave for work and followed him out. He jumped into the car just before Pete shut the door. It took Pete a few minutes to search his car. Nothing! The ferret was not happy about it. He wanted cookies! The ferret considered jumping out the open window, but that would mean walking back to the B&B. That was a long walk. If he had a cookie, that would be a big difference. When the car stopped, the ferret jumped out the window and followed Pete into the Warehouse. Pete the ferret waddled after the Pete the agent. When they walked into Artie's office, Pete the ferret ducked under Artie's desk.

After Pete the agent got his assignment to do inventory, he left and Artie was alone with the ferret. Artie looked around and opened a drawer. Pete could smell cookies. He attempted to levitate a cookie off the desk, but Artie grabbed it and took a bite. Pete was angry, he wanted a cookie and he wanted one now! He took a coupe of steps back and launched himself at Artie's pant leg, and using all of his claws, climbed up Artie's leg. Artie jumped and shook the ferret off. Pete flew off and slid across the floor. Pete the ferret was outraged! All he wanted was the cookie the man had. He charged Artie, who headed for the back room where he slept. When Pete the ferret made it into the room, Artie was holding the cookie over a sink full of water. The ferret bristled. How dare he disrespect the cookie! Artie glared at the ferret.

"If you climb my leg again, I will never make cookies again!"

The ferret lowered his head. He didn't want the man to stop making cookies, so he laid on the floor and crawled on his belly over to Artie. Artie bent over and picked the ferret up. He headed back for the office and put the ferret in a cage with the cookie. Pete pounced on the cookie and began to joyfully eat it, while Artie called Myka to come and get her ferret. While waiting for her, Artie added to the list.

"Ferret makes a good meal."

----

Myka was upset. Artie actually threatened to eat her ferret. She was going to teach Artie a lesson. The ferret was an innocent animal. Myka needed to get her mind on something else, but she couldn't. All she could think of is seeing on the list that Artie thought ferrets tasted good. She was upset enough about it that she added to the list.

"Whoever eats the ferret, dies!"

----

Pete took a moment to read the list on his way in. He had the ferret under his arm. The ferret had a cookie, so did Pete. As the ferret finished his cookie, Pete gave him another one. The ferret was in heaven. Myka walked into Artie's office to see Pete feeding the ferret a cookie. Her eyes widened.

"Why are you feeding my ferret cookies?"

Pete jumped and looked guilty. The ferret ate the cookie faster. He didn't want Myka to take it away. Myka took a step closer to Pete, who swallowed.

"Well?"

"He likes them"

She shook her head and took the ferret away from Pete, then stomped out. Pete waited for Myka to get a distance away before heading to the door to add to the list.

"Ferrets and cookies mix."

----

Artie walked into his room just off of his office. He could smell something disgusting. He went looking around, just when he thought he would never find the location of the smell, he found it. After he cleaned up the mess, he added to the list.

"Ferrets and cookies do not mix!"

----

Leena came in. She hadn't had much time to come out, but she had the feeling that she was needed. She was a little disappointed by the subject matter on the list. She looked around and saw Pete the ferret. She knelt down and picked him up.

"I think we need to have a talk."

The ferret looked up at her. He seemed to understand that there was a problem. He knew that the nice lady could help him.

"Perhaps you could cut back on the cookies?"

Pete didn't think that would happen, he liked cookies way to much. The woman kept eye contact with him. He didn't see why he needed to cut back.

"You do realize that eating all off those cookies are making you fat. Also, if you are too fat, you won't be able to protect Myka if you can't run."

Pete perked up. Myka was his sweetie. He loved her. If he had to give up to protect Myka, he would do it. He chirped, and Leena set him down. She added to the list on her way out

"Feeding ferrets cookies will lead to fat ferrets."

----

I hope you enjoyed the chapter. Please read and review. Any ideas for rules will be happily accepted.


	8. Chapter 8

I don't own Warehouse 13 or anyone in it. I wish I did, but if wishes were horses, I would have a herd.

If you read, please review. Reviews will inspire me to write more. Flames will be used to warm my cat, for she is cold. Thank you!

The second rule was suggested by pureangel86. I hope I did it justice.

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Claudia walked in. She had been doing work for Leena at the B&B all week. The list was an interesting read this morning. She shook her head at the ferret fight. She had seen Mrs. Frederic's car outside, but didn't see the woman in question. She opened the door leading into the Warehouse proper. Her bodyguard was standing there. He turned and looked at her for a moment before turning away. Claudia stepped back into Artie's office. She was working on something when an idea came to her. She wasn't sure if it was a good idea at first, but the more she thought about it, the more she wanted to do it. Finally, she decided to go for it. Claudia started pulling things off the shelf and put her plan into action.

A few minutes later, Artie walked through the Warehouse. He'd been in a meeting with Mrs. Frederic, and it hadn't been pretty. Not that meetings with her were. As he walked, Artie could hear the sound of muffled screams. He hurried around the corner and found Claudia tied up and hanging upside down with a paper taped to her chest. He hurried to get her down. He looked around for a second and found the other end of the rope. Artie braced himself and untied the end tied to the shelf. After he got her down and untied her, she pulled the gag out and the most unladylike language filled the air.

"Thank you!" she yelled in Artie's direction.

She pulled the paper from her shirt and threw it on the ground before stomping off. Artie thought he would give her a little time before he tried to talk to her. He picked the paper up and looked at it. He grinned at the addition to the list, folded it and put it in his pocket.

"Never try to prank the bodyguard. You never know what you will get."

----

Artie, Pete, Myka and Claudia were doing inventory. Artie took his scanner and headed off. Claudia turned around to see where the man was headed. He was headed into the B&B that was inside the Warehouse.

"Artie! No!" She attempted to stop him, but the door closed behind him.

Pete and Myka came running up. "What happened?" Pete asked.

Claudia couldn't say anything, only point at the front door of the B&B. Pete started digging through his pockets. He needed something to cut into that painting to get back out, but before they could go in to save Artie, he came out through a wall. He took his glasses off, his eyes were watering. Artie wiped his eyes and put his glasses back on. He picked his scanner up and kept going. Wen they were done, Artie headed out. He beat everyone to his office. When they finally made it to Artie's office, they dropped off their equipment and headed out. Pete took a moment to read the list to see if Artie added to it.

"If you need a bathroom, don't use the one in the B&B. The smell will get to you fast!"

----

Artie walks into the Warehouse. He has a bag of cookies, and if Leena knew he had them, he would be in big trouble. He pulled a secret drawer out, but before he put the bag inside, he took a cookie out. He was about to take a big bite when he saw Myka's ferret, Pete. The ferret stood on his back paws and seemed to begging for some. Artie shook his finger at the small animal.

"Sorry, but this is mine!"

Artie was about to take a bite of the cookie when Pete launched himself at Artie's leg and used all of his claws to climb the man's pant leg. Pete ignored the cries of pain and Artie's attempt to remove him by kicking him off. Pete took a moment to launch himself at Artie's arm. He dug his claws and teeth into Artie's arm in an effort to get the man to drop the cookie. Finally, Artie threw the cookie and it fell under the desk. Pete launched himself off and took off after it. Artie pulled a first aid kit from his desk and cleaned all of the cuts and bites the ferret gave him. Afterwords, he called Myka to get her "evil little monster". While waiting for Myka to come (and giving the ferret a wide berth), Artie added to the list.

"Just because it looks helpless, doesn't mean that it is helpless."

----

Pete and Myka are out on a mission to Siberia to collect an artifact, Claudia and Artie doing inventory. Claudia sighs. She hates inventory even though she understands the reasoning behind it. She notices a jar on the shelf, the tag doesn't say what it does, so she opens it. Claudia instantly regrets it. Her and Artie are drenched by a wave of water that came from the jar. Artie turned and glared at her. Claudia quickly put the lid on the jar and set it back on the shelf. Artie sloshed past her and, not taking his eyes off of Claudia, grabbed an artifact off the shelf. He held it up and in a few seconds, he was dry. Claudia started with the wet puppy routine. She wanted to get dry too. Artie glared at her for a few more minutes before using the artifact on her as well.

"Thank you, Artie. Sorry about that!"

Artie pushed his glasses up on his nose. "Don't thank me yet. The artifact doesn't dry shoes." As Artie was all ready kicking off his shoes, Claudia did the same. A few hours later, Artie announced they were done for the day. Claudia grabbed her shoes and, as they were still wet, carried them out. She climbed into her car and headed off to Leena's.

Claudia was so tired when she got back that she set her shoes out to dry and went straight to bed. When she got up in the morning, she checked her shoes. They were dry. She got ready and dressed quickly, but the shoes must have expanded, because they were too big. She sat down and looked at the for a moment before realizing they must be Artie's shoes. Claudia ran out the door and jumped into her car and sped off for the Warehouse.

She pulled up and ducked in. She slipped going down the steps, but quickly regained her balance. She scanned her eye and hurried in looking for Artie. She found him at the table just outside his office. He didn't look up as she walked up to him. Artie was attempting to stretch the shoes in his hands.

"Go away! You get the day off. My shoes shrank and I don't want to deal with you."

"That's too bad. Because my shoes expanded."

Artie looked up at her, pushing his glasses up on his nose. Claudia stuck the shoes she was holding in her hands in his face. He dropped the shoes he was holding and took the ones Claudia offered him, and tried them on. They fit! He tied them and stood.

"Let's get to work!"

Claudia smirked and ducked into Artie's office to add to the list.

"Just because it looks like yours, doesn't mean it is yours!"

----

Myka and Pete returned from Siberia and headed in to put the new artifact on the shelf. They had read the list and wondered what had happened to get the new additions. It wasn't always wise to ask why. You never knew what you would get in response. Myka turned to see Pete playing with the artifact. She hit him on the shoulder.

"Ow! What did you do that for?"

Myka's brow wrinkled. "How old are you Pete?"

"Eight!" Pete announced, and he headed into the Warehouse to put that artifact away. Myka added her thought to the list.

"Don't ask a question unless you are certain you want the answer to it."

----

I hope you all enjoyed this chapter. Please review. Constructive criticism is accepted, but flames will be used to warm my cat. Thank you all!


	9. Chapter 9

Thank you for all of the lovely reviews! You guys rock!

I don't own Warehouse 13, nor anything or anyone in or working on the show, but would love the Warehouse and Artie!

Keep your arms and legs inside the ride. Now, hold on tight, and here we go!

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Artie sat at his desk. Mrs. Frederic had informed him early that morning that MacPherson had escaped from prison and Artie would not be allowed to leave the Warehouse until the man had been caught. Claudia had come in and left Pete the ferret. Artie was taking his own revenge by feeding the ferret as many cookies as the ferret would eat. Pete was in seventh heaven, even though Artie wouldn't let him on the desk. He gobbled them down as fast as he could. Artie went into the back to get the next batch of cookies out of the oven and while he was gone, the door leading into office, opened. It was MacPherson. He looked around. When he didn't see anyone, especially the dratted ferret, he came in.

While he was looking around, Artie came out of his office with a plate of cookies. MacPherson moved quickly across the room and grabbed Artie. MacPherson slammed Artie against his desk. Cookies went flying. Pete scurried back and forth across the room, eating as fast as he could. Pete was certain that he had gotten all of the cookies when he could smell one. He stood on his back legs. He could see one in Artie's hand and went after it.

Pete steadied himself and leapt at the cookie. He landed on MacPherson's back, causing the man to let go of Artie and jump back. Pete climbed up MacPherson's back, causing MacPherson's arms to flail wildly trying to remove the ferret. Pete would have none of it, he climbed onto MacPherson's shoulder and readied himself to jump to Artie.

Artie quickly realized with the ferret was doing and threw the cookie at MacPherson, who caught it. He looked at the cookie, and was about to throw it on the floor, when Pete landed on his hand and bit him, hard. MacPherson shook the ferret off, sending him, and the cookie, flying.

While MacPherson was dealing with Pete, Artie grabbed a heavy bust. He waited for the right moment, the moment MacPherson was not looking at him, but was close enough for Artie to hit him. When that moment came, Artie took it. MacPherson fell into a bookcase. The extra weight from the fallen man was enough for shelves to collapse and bury him in books and trinkets.

Artie pet Pete for a moment before tying up MacPherson. For a moment, Artie considered giving Alice a room mate, but didn't want that much evil in one place. Artie took a moment to add to the list.

"Never get between a ferret and his cookie. It won't turn out good for you."

----

Artie was upset. Not only had Leena put him on a diet, but now the ferret was on one too. It wasn't his fault the ferret was too fat to walk properly! Well, not completely his fault. Everyone fed the little monster cookies and junk food. Artie growled and pulled the lunch that Leena had made for him out of his bag. It was full of carrot and celery sticks. He pulled one out and growled at it. Nothing happened. He bit into it and sighed. Why does things like this always happen to him? He pulled a carrot stick out and offered it to the ferret. Pete sniffed it delicately and turned away.

"I wish I had the option. You do know that you will have to eat eventually?"

The ferret turned to look at Artie and seemed to smile. Then, he jumped down off the desk and hurried into one of the back rooms. Artie followed the ferret, he wondered what the evil little thing was doing. The ferret went to one of the lower shelves and was tugging on something. Artie knelt down and pulled it out. It was a gallon size baggie of cookies! Artie ripped it open and breathed deeply. He pulled one out and bit into it. It was a little stale, but he didn't care. He felt something tugging on his pant leg. He looked down to see the ferret. He was standing using Artie's pant leg to remain upright. Artie pulled a cookie out of the bag and set it on the floor. Pete gobbled it up and begged for another one.

"Sorry Pete, but if we eat them all now, there won't be any for later."

The ferret looked upset, but he seemed to understand. Artie put the bag back and the two left the room. Artie worked on the ferret all morning and got him to eat a few of the carrot sticks. He didn't like the celery though. He took a bite out of it and backed away quickly.

After a few more hours, Artie could smell something that caused him to cover his nose. He went looking, but didn't find the cause at first. When he went into the archive room, he found the source of the smell. Pete the ferret was lying on the floor. He had eaten all of the cookies and had a severe case of gas. Artie went back and opened the door, grabbed a fan and turned it on.

That is when Claudia came in. She immediately started gagging. Artie stuck his head into his office.

"Sorry about that. It is the ferret."

Claudia glared at him. "That's right! Blame it all on the ferret. I know it was you!"

That is when a noise came from the ferret. The smell quickly reached Claudia, who ran. Artie, instead, grabbed the ferret and ran outside. When he reached the surface, his eyes were watering. Claudia was standing nearby breathing deeply and wiping her eyes. Claudia glared at Artie.

"Why didn't you warn me?"

Artie looked at her, confused. "About what?"

"Hello. The smell."

"Oh yeah. I found the source just before you came in. Stop whining! The ferret is outside, let's go in and get some work done."

Claudia looked astonished. "You really think that I am going inside with that smell. Are you really that evil?"

Artie grinned. "Yes, let's go."

Claudia picked the ferret and started to follow him.

"Don't bring that thing with. It might not be done."

Claudia looked at the ferret. "You might be right." She set the ferret down next to the door and followed Artie in. The smell was still there, just not as bad. Artie scanned his eye and opened the door. Claudia stepped in and Artie stopped to add to the list before following her in.

"Stale cookies and ferrets DO NOT mix!"

----

Claudia darted into the office. She was breathing deeply. She about knocked Artie down as she searched for something.

"What are you doing?" Artie asked as he adjusted his glasses.

"A bird made it into the Warehouse. I need a net to catch it. I saw one in here a few days ago."

Artie shook his head. "If it is here, I wouldn't use it. You never know what it will do. Besides that, how do you know that the bird isn't an artifact. "

Claudia scoffed. "It will be fine professor! It isn't as if I will rearrange time or something."

Artie snorted. "In this place, you never know. Please, just go." He said flapping his hands at her.

Claudia didn't listen. She just kept looking. After a little while, she found what she was looking for.

"Aha! I found it!"

She ran out of the office and headed into the Warehouse, slamming the door on her way. After a few minutes, she came back slamming the door behind her and leaned against it. Artie straightened and looked at her.

"Are you all right?"

Claudia took a deep breath. "Yes. I am all right. Why? Are you all right?"

Artie took a step towards Claudia. She slid away from him, but didn't step away from the door. He took another step, and she pressed harder against the door. Artie grabbed her arm and shook her slightly.

"What did you do?" Artie was upset. He knew she had done something, but didn't know what...yet.

Claudia couldn't maintain eye contact. "Nothing! Really nothing."

"Claudia! If you had done nothing you would MOVE!"

Claudia stood there. Artie snorted.

"I thought so."

He pulled her away from the door and threw it open. Birds were everywhere! Artie was aghast.

"Claudia!" He pointed to a spot on the floor in front of him. "You will stand here right now!"

She slowly came to stand in front of him, her eyes never leaving the floor. He took her chin gently in one hand.

"You will get rid of all of these birds and you won't leave until it is done. Do you understand?"

She nodded silently. He walked across his office, took a net off the wall and handed it to her. Claudia took the net and headed into the Warehouse. She had only taken a couple of steps out, when she turned around. Wordlessly, Artie handed her a cage. She took it and walked away. Artie headed back to his desk. At the end of the day, Artie looked out into the Warehouse. Not a bird was in sight. Claudia was walking up the steps, cage in hand. It was full of birds. She ducked past Artie and headed for the surface. She had been releasing the birds all day. When she came back, Artie looked at her.

"Did you learn your lesson again?" He folded his hands and watched her.

"What do you mean again?"

Artie sighed the sigh of the long suffering. "Yes, again. How many times have I told you not to touch things if you don't know how something works, do not touch!"

When Claudia didn't respond, Artie looked at her over his glasses

Claudia sighed. "Yes professor. I learned my lesson."

Artie grinned. "You can go now." He flapped his hands at her and she left quickly. She stopped to add to the list on her way.

"If the boss says don't touch, DON'T, he is the boss for a reason."

----

I hope you all enjoyed. Please review. Constructive criticism is accepted. All flames will be used to warm my cat, Poly Pi, for she is cold.

If you have any ideas or requests, please let me know, I am running out of ideas!


	10. Chapter 10

Thank you for all of these lovely reviews. I am giving all of the characters a chapter, starting with Pete. If you have a request as to who is done next, let me know.

Warehouse 13 isn't mine, but I wouldn't turn it, or Artie Nielsen, down.

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Pete yawned He had been awake for three days. He was doing inventory, as a punishment, he had to do the last quarter of the Warehouse. Because he wanted to get the whole ordeal over with, he hadn't slept. He rubbed his eyes. He was tired and wanted sleep. He scanned one more object and he headed for the office to get something to eat. When he made it there, the ferret was sitting on the desk.

"You do know that you aren't supposed to be on Artie's desk?"

The ferret stood up on his back legs. He seemed to examine the human. After a few minutes, the ferret lowered down to all fours and spoke.

"Yes, I know, but what is the tubby man going to do about it? He isn't here after all."

Pete sat back and stared at the ferret. He rubbed his eyes and shook his head. Ferrets weren't supposed to talk, were they? Pete leaned closer to the ferret.

"Did you just talk?" He thought for a moment that he was going crazy.

"I don't know. Did I, or," the ferret continued, moving closer, "did you imagine it?"

Pete leaned closer. "If you are talking, what is your name?" He had been curious about that. Myka had refused to tell him.

The ferret leaned closer. "If I told you, I would have to bite you." The ferret stared at Pete for a second. "Also remember to never pet me, again, I bite." The ferret gave Pete a feral grin, it showed all of his teeth. It sniffed at Pete and bounded off the desk. Pete was about to ask the ferret why it got off the desk when Artie walked out of his room. He stood and stared at Pete for a moment before he sent him to bed in the back room.

When he woke hours later, the ferret was sitting on his chest. It sniffed him gently and when he reached out to pet it, the ferret sank its teeth into his hand and took off. Pete went looking for the ferret, but the animal was no where to be found. Pete took a moment to add to the list.

"Never question the talking ferret. He bites!"

----

Pete stepped out of the shower at Leena's. He felt like a new man. He had been asleep for more hours than he could count, but after he got let out of getting the inventory done, he didn't care. He shaved and dressed quickly. He almost skipped down the hall and hurried down the steps. When he got to the kitchen, he found Leena there and kissed her on the cheek. She smiled and handed him plate.

"Good Morning, Pete! How did you sleep?"

Pete grinned. He sat and dug into his meal. Leena laughed.

"That good huh?" Leena continued working around the kitchen, then she spoke to Pete over her shoulder. "So, Myka's ferret spoke to you?"

Pete stopped eating, the fork half way to his mouth. It hung there for a moment before being lowered back to the plate. "I was hearing things. I hadn't slept in three days!" He picked his fork up and continued eating, but didn't take his eyes off Leena. Leena laughed and left the room. Pete finished eating and headed out to work.

When he pulled up to the Warehouse, he knew he was going to add to the list. He opened the door and hurried down the steps. When he hit the door, he pulled his pen out and added to the list.

"Don't say, record, or write down anything that you don't want anyone else to know."

----

Pete watched as Myka, Leena, Claudia and Artie left. After the door closed, he stuck the scrub brush back in the bucket. It had been decided that he was going to finish out a punishment by scrubbing the floors of the B&B on his hands and knees, while the others went for ice cream. Leena was even going to let Artie get some ice cream, topping were still under consideration. He pulled the brush out of the bucket and applied it to the floor. He hadn't been working for very long, but he all ready hated it. He had most of the first floor done, when he heard the door open. They were back and it seems that Artie got sprinkles and a caramel sauce on his ice cream. They all seemed to have had fun. Pete was jealous, but he knew that he was left behind because of his inability to leave the artifacts alone. He leaned back over the brush when he heard someone come in the room. He was about to ask how it looked when a small dish of ice cream and a spoon held under his nose. He looked up as he took the ice cream. It was Artie.

"I thought you could use some encouragement. I had to ask the woman behind the counter. I had to do it on the sly. Leena would have killed me."

Pete dug into the ice cream. It was his favorite flavor. No toppings though. "Thanks Artie. I really appreciate it."

He handed the bowl and spoon back to Artie, who stuck them in his coat pocket. Just in time too, as Leena walked into the room at that point. She looked the floor over.

"You can finish in the morning. Come get some dinner and go to bed. You have an early start tomorrow." She started to leave the room when she stopped. "Since you have had desert, I won't need to get any cookies out." She then left the room. Pete stared at Artie, who shrugged and headed out. Pete spent most of the next day scrubbing the B&B, after he was done, he headed out to the Warehouse to check on things. While he was there, he added to the list.

"Be careful. Leena knows all."

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I hope you all enjoy! Now that you have read, please review. It would make my day! If you have a request as to who you would like to hear about next, let me know.


	11. Chapter 11

Thank you to all of my reviewers! You guys rock! I don't own Warehouse 13, but I would like too!

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Myka sighed. Artie had bedazzled the ferret's collar. Myka could have sworn the ferret was male, but you couldn't tell by looking at him. She considered pulling all of the fake gems off, but Artie was so sweet about the collar. It had taken a while for the ferret to grow on Artie. Myka scratched her head, and stared at the ferret. He wasn't happy. Leena still had Pete on a diet. It was supposed to have ended a few days ago, but Pete was showing his dislike of the diet by wreaking havoc on Leena's plants. He had been using the plants as a bathroom, knocking things over and burying things. Leena was not happy, neither was Pete. Pete the ferret's antics with the plants made the whole B&B smell horrible. Because of the way the ferret had been acting, he had been staying at the Warehouse. Artie didn't seem to mind. Myka found out that Pete the ferret had been sleeping next to Artie. When Pete found out, he wanted to tease Artie about it, but Myka wouldn't let him.

At that point, Artie walked in. Myka knew that he was watching the two of them. She watched him out of the corner of her eye, until he headed into the bowels of the Warehouse. He had found out that Myka and Pete had discussed hiding his Bedazzler, but as he had hidden it, it wouldn't happen. Myka didn't want anything else of her Bedazzled, so she went on the hunt for the elusive gadget.

Myka moved to the window overlooking the Warehouse, and the moment he was out of sight, she sprang into action. She started with his desk, but didn't find what she was looking for. She went from room to room, ending with Artie's bedroom. When started looking on the shelves, then behind them, then moved to his dresser. She started with the bottom drawer and worked her way up. She opened the top drawer and realized that it was his underwear drawer, she closed it quickly, blushing. She knew it had to be in that drawer, but couldn't bring herself to go through the drawer. She wasn't sure what to do. Myka was about to give up when Pete came in. Myka dove out of Artie's room and grabbed Pete by the arm and drug him inside the room.

"Pete," she said as she pulled across the room and over to the dresser, "I found where his Bedazzler is."

"Great! Why didn't you get it?"

Myka turned red and motioned towards the top dresser drawer. Pete pulled it open and looked inside. He looked at Myka for a moment before he dug around inside. After a couple of very tense minutes, he pulled it out and held it up. Pete was about to start gloating, when Myka heard footsteps on the steps. They ducked behind the door and held their breath. Myka watched from a crack between the door and wall. Artie opened the door and walked in. He looked around and saw the ferret, He took a moment to scratch the ferret's. The ferret seemed to like it as his head moved around to get Artie's finger's in a different place. After a moment, Artie headed out, taking the ferret with him.

Myka stepped out, Pete close behind her. She knew that Artie wouldn't hurt her ferret, but it stilled annoyed her that he didn't ask her about it. Pete yawned. She knew she should go home, but she couldn't bring herself go. Myka was about to set up there for the night, when Pete grabbed her arm and pulled her out.

Myka was silent the entire way back to Leena's. When she got there, she headed to her room and went in. Her ferret was sitting on the bed, and he had been bedazzled! Myka picked the animal up. Pete was not happy. He kept scratching at the little gems all over his body. Myka took his down stairs and sat down in the sun to pick them off. When she was done, Myka took Pete out to play in the sun. When the ferret was done, she took him back inside. Myka sat and thought for a moment before a smile spread quickly across her face.

A few hours later, she appeared in Artie's office in the Warehouse, a plate of cookies in hand. They were chocolate chip cookies. Artie laughed and rubbed his hands together, grabbed a cookie and ate it quickly. It only took him a few minutes more before he made it through the entire plate. It was a minute later when Artie realized that he had been had. The chocolate chips were not regular chocolate, but pieces of an Ex-Lax bar.

Artie jumped to his feet and ran for the bathroom. While he was inside, he yelled every insult he could think of through the door, and at Myka, who was grinning. While Artie was yelling, Myka added to the list.

"Never bedazzle ferrets! The owner might not like it!"

----

Myka sat on a couch in the B&B. Leena had let the ferret back in, but had to end the diet she had put on the ferret. The ferret sat on the couch next to Myka, playing with a ball. Myka turned a page and continued reading. Myka could hear someone coming, but didn't move. Artie walked, but stopped when he saw Myka. He walked across the room, giving Myka a wide berth. He walked over to the table. Myka knew he was headed for the plate off cookies on the table. He seemed to be considering the plate. Artie turned and was leaving without a cookie when Myka spoke.

"No Ex-Lax was involved in the making of those cookies."

Artie hurried back, grabbed the plate and ducked out. Myka smiled as Artie left. She knew that Artie would tip toe around her for a while. Myka smiled and turned back to her book. She finished the chapter and closed the book. She stood and left the room. Myka grabbed her things and headed for the Warehouse. When she arrived, she added to the list.

"Don't screw with the help. We know what your weaknesses are."

----

Myka walked into the kitchen of the B&B. Leena was out, but had left some sugar-free cookies on the counter. Myka smiled and grabbed one. She bit into it and frowned. It didn't taste quiet right. Myka set the cookie back on the plate and headed to the sunroom. Myka headed for the sunroom and stopped before she reached the room. She cursed herself as she ran for the bathroom. She should have know better than to eat something that she didn't see cooked. Artie was a sneaky man, and this proved it. Myka barricaded herself in the bathroom. That is when she heard someone walking around. The footsteps walked up to the bathroom door and stopped. After a minute, the footsteps moved away. When Myka was done, she walked out. When she closed the door, Myka saw something fluttering out of the corner of her eye. Myka turned and looked. It was a piece of paper. Myka reached down and took it off the door. Myka groaned. It was the list, but nothing had been added. Myka sighed and added to the list.

"Don't screw with the boss, you will never win."

----

Thank you for reading! Please review! I live for reviews!


	12. Chapter 12

Thank you for all of the beautiful reviews! I don't own Warehouse 13, or Artie Nielsen, but I wish I did. I only get to take them out to play.

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Claudia sighed. She hated inventory, but Artie knew how to talk her into do it. She scanned a hat and checked the screen. She had hit the end of the items she had to scan. She stretched, did a victory lap and headed back for Artie's office. She stopped along the way. A gadget that Claudia hadn't seen before was sitting on the shelf. Claudia looked around. No one was in sight. She bit her lip and read the display. It was something that had been made by Di Vinci, but the display said what it did, it blew bubbles. The display didn't say what the result would be. Claudia was curious. Would the bubbles stay small or would they get big? Why did it blow bubbles? What was the purpose of that? Claudia grabbed it and headed off.

In no time, Claudia had re purposed it. Before, it only blew soap bubbles, now it would blow gum, or anything that would stretch. Claudia was excited. She pulled a piece of gum out of her pocket, chewed it for a minute and put it in the machine. After a few seconds, a bubble came out of the machine. Claudia thought it would stay small, but it didn't. It got very big, big enough to hold a person inside. Claudia took a step back, and then another. She kept taking steps back until she backed into a shelf.

The bubble came closer and after a few seconds it touched the shelf, the bubble burst, covering Claudia with gum. Claudia was disgusted! It was chewed gum. She tried to pick the gum off, but it wouldn't come off. She pulled herself away from the shelf and headed for Artie's office. Claudia hurried up the steps and looked through the window. The office was empty so she headed to the stairs, but just before she reached the door, Artie spoke up.

"Didn't I tell you not to touch things that you don't know how they work?"

Claudia turned around. Artie was sitting in a chair over in the corner, ferret in hand. He was petting it and if ferret's could purr this one would. Artie stood and set the ferret down on the chair. He walked over to Claudia who was now studying the ground. Artie plucked a piece of gum from Claudia's jacket. He studied the gum in his hand for a moment before speaking.

"You were playing with Di Vinci's bubble maker, weren't you?"

Claudia stood in silence for a moment before mumbling something. Artie held his hand to his ear.

"I'm sorry. Did you say something?"

He seemed to be enjoying this, a little too much Claudia thought. She growled to herself before repeating her words.

"Yes, you did say that."

Artie smiled and picked up the ferret that was sitting at his feet. He pet the ferret for a moment before smiling broadly at Claudia. He put his hand under her chin and lifted her eyes to his.

"I think I have something to help you out of this sticky mess."

He held his hand out to Claudia. She took his hand, and remembering her childhood, let him lead her into the Warehouse proper. They walked in silence. When they reached a shelf near the old B&B, Artie reached up and took a spray gun off the shelf. He had her stand in the middle of the aisle and cocked the gun. Claudia flinched and Artie gave her an annoyed look. She closed her eyes and felt a spray of gooey stuff cover her. After a few minutes, Artie grabbed her hand.

"Don't open your eyes. You might get some of this stuff in your eyes if you open them."

Claudia nodded and allowed Artie to lead her to the office. When they reached the office, Artie led her to another room. Claudia thought that it might be his room, but didn't want to open her mouth to ask. Artie had her stand and after a few seconds, a jet of water hit her. It was warm water and felt much nicer then what they had at the B&B.

After a few more minutes, Claudia could feel a hand touching her face. It only lingered for a few seconds before withdrawing.

"Ok. You can open your eyes and come out."

Claudia stepped out and Artie handed her a towel. It was a nice towel, big and fluffy. She mopped her face and dried her hair. Artie handed her the change of clothing that all Warehouse agents were required to keep at the Warehouse. He left the room and shut the door behind him, giving her some privacy.

After she changed, Claudia stepped out of the bathroom. She smiled at Artie.

"Thanks." She swung her arms for a moment. "Well, I should go. See ya!" She headed for the door, but Artie stopped her, grabbing her arm.

"We need to talk. What will it take for you to think before you re-purpose?"

Claudia squirmed. She felt stupid. She kept doing things that got her in trouble or someone got hurt. She thought for a moment before responding.

"A spanking?"

Artie snorted. "Aren't you a little old for that?"

"That is why I suggested it."

"Ok!" Artie grabbed her by the arm and pulled her closer. He pulled her off her feet and gave her several hard whacks, then helped her to her feet.

"Feeling better?"

Claudia rubbed her rear end. "A little hard don't you thing, Professor?"

Artie shrugged. "I got it worse when I was young." He smiled at her. "You can go now." He turned back to his work. Claudia headed for the door. She stopped after going through and stopped. She added to the list.

"Don't ask for something you aren't sure you want."

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"Claudia!"

Claudia could hear Artie yelling for her. She knew she was in trouble, big trouble! She locked her door and climbed out the window. Or at least that was the plan. She had one leg out and that was when she saw Pete.

"She's headed out the window Artie!"

Claudia pulled her head and leg back in. She didn't know what to do. Artie was outside her door and Pete was watching the window. Claudia had to stop and think. It wasn't her fault that Artie's car had been totaled. Yes, she had been driving Artie's car at the time, and Artie had told her she couldn't, but the other person had hit her. Claudia paced the room before a thought came to her. She grabbed a few things and headed into the bathroom.

A few minutes later, with someone trying to beat down the door, Claudia came out and started cutting a hole in the wall. Just as the door was giving way, Claudia had managed to cut a hole in the wall just big enough for her to get out. She jumped as Pete came in.

She shouldn't have jumped. Claudia landed badly, twisting her ankle. She tried to stand, but immediately fell down. The pain was intense. She looked up as Pete looked out the hole and saw her, he pulled his head back in and in a few minutes, appeared jogging around the corner. He ran up to her. A few seconds later, Artie came puffing around the corner.

They stood over Claudia, who was laying on the ground in pain. The two men looked at each other. Pete sighed and picked Claudia up. He carried her into the B&B and set her on the couch. Pete and Artie moved into a corner of the room while Leena tended to Claudia. After a few minutes of what seemed like a very heated discussion, Artie left the room. Pete walked over to her.

"Can you give us a few minutes alone please?"

Leena smiled at Claudia as she picked up the rest of the first aid things and left the room. He paced for a few minutes while Claudia squirmed. She didn't know what was going to happen. Just when she didn't think she could wait anymore, Pete knelt down next to her.

"Artie isn't in any condition to speak to you right now. He is sorry that you are hurt, but he is hurt also. You promised him that you would take his car without his permission, but you did anyway and he doesn't feel like he can trust you anymore." Pete took a moment and looked at the floor. Claudia wanted to cry. She felt awful. Claudia saw Artie as a father figure. She hoped that it wouldn't take too long before he would speak to her again.

It took a few days before she could talk again. Claudia immediately went to the Warehouse. Artie was at his desk. She stared at him for a few minutes before she wrapped her arms around him in a tight hug. After a minute, he returned her hug.

"Don't ever touch my car again!" He turned and looked at her. "You also owe me a new car. I will give me the specifications that I want!" Artie then grabbed, and hugged her. "I am glad that you are alright." He stood and clapped his hands. "Now, let's do some inventory!"

Artie headed quickly out the door. Claudia waited until he was out of sight to add to the list.

"If someone older and smarter than you says not to do something, don't do it. As they have been around longer than you, they probably know better!"

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*bows* I hope you enjoy this chapter. I hope to get the next chapter of "The New Girl" out soon. Now that you have read this, please review.


	13. Chapter 13

This chapter is dedicated to Phere me for the wonderful ideas for the next chapter. I don't own Warehouse 13, or anyone involved, but I do have a small room in my basement for Artie Nielsen. Please read and review!

Sorry it has been so long since the last chapter. I was trying to finish The New Girl before I put out another chapter, but as it has been so long, I thought I would reward all of you lovely people with a new chapter! Sorry it is so short. I have another one in the works.

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Artie leaned back in his chair. The screaming and pounding had recently stopped. Artie had locked Claudia in the records room after she broke an artifact that he specifically told her not to touch. Not only had she broken it, she had taken so long to break it that it had quite a bit of damage, destroying several other artifacts and setting off a few others. Artie had immediately drug Claudia up to the records room and locked her in, then headed down to do what he could to stop the damage the artifact was doing.

"I'm sorry!" said the voice emanating from the records room.

"Ha!" was Artie's response, and he took a bite of his cookie. She had apologized before and hadn't meant it then either. It was just a way for her to get out of trouble. Well, this time it won't work. Artie took a sip of milk to chase the cookie down.

"Please let me out! I'll be good!"

Artie snorted. He had heard that before and from people much more practiced. Someone like Pete. Ok, it was Pete. He had to be fair. Pete was getting better at not touching things, but Claudia was getting worse. Maybe he was the only one to think that, but he was the one to spend most of the time with her.

After a few minutes thought, Artie came to stand next to the door. The room was quiet, much to quiet. Artie was beginning to worry that Claudia had fallen asleep, or worse died. Artie opened the door slowly, but it didn't open very far before it hit something. Artie's heart dropped. He stuck his head around the door. Claudia sat on the floor. She looked up at him with red-rimmed eyes.

"Can I come out now?" she asked quietly.

Artie nodded gently and opened the door as Claudia moved out of the way. She hurried out of the room and hugged Artie tight, then she ran out of the Warehouse. Artie finished out his day and headed out. He stopped and looked at the list before heading to dinner. Claudia had added to the list. Artie smiled and headed out.

"If the boss says he will lock you in the archive room for touching things, believe him. He will do it."

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Thank you for reading and have a good day!


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